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holy shit do i feel like an ass...

Posted on 2008.01.21 at 11:14
Current Location: "my" couch...
Current Mood: down as shit...
...spoke with mither this morning....her mom died yesterday in the hospital...no one even told mither that she was there.

she may be taking a flight to england (for the funeral) tomorrow night......and in the meantime im trying to think of what i can do to help her out.

...wish i knew....

the philosophy of 'ive'

Posted on 2007.02.17 at 11:52
Current Location: in a chair.
Current Mood: random
Current Music: nothing.
life makes me laugh sometimes....

partially because it sucks so much..
..but also because at the moment i dont give a shit.

one step behind....

Posted on 2007.02.14 at 18:24
Current Location: right here. right now.
Current Mood: 5 beers closer to drunk.
Current Music: weakerthans.....aside.
the mother wants me to work at bearpath. (gated community for really rich idiots..where you cant walk in the front door of the "clubhouse" dressed as an honest person without getting kicked the fuck out..) job sounds easy enough....depending on how big brotherized they are...if i fit teh criteria (which i only would if i lied......ALOT) i could spend the entire time checking my email and looking at dumb shit online.
so..anyways...she asked me to show up on friday around noon for training....which makes me think that i pretty much have the job....the mother is the office manager..so...yeah. great. its money...which i really need right now....as im currently getting my cash through favors and bribes. haha..

...the father and the sister are downstairs rambling/yelling ( i cant really tell) about something...dont even know if i want to know.....too much fuckin drama lately.

around two am tonight i may leave for eden prairie....will be out of beer by then..and the promise of free weed is rather tempting...(no worries people...ill be sober by 2 am...)
think i may bring my 'superstar' vhs with me...really want to watch the movie...but im craving something chemically exhuberating to go with it.

ignore my spelling and enjoy the meaning.

have a day.

anger is just depression put to good use.

Posted on 2007.02.10 at 21:07
Current Location: here
Current Music: metallica...turn the page
FUCK YOU................................FUCK YOU
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i was someone...but its none of your business.

Posted on 2007.01.26 at 19:37
Current Location: sitting on my foot...its falling asleep.
Current Mood: just..wasting time.
Current Music: cranberries--sunday.
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reminiscence.....days gone to waste.

Posted on 2007.01.26 at 16:34
Current Location: sitting next to some negra modelo.
Current Mood: same as ever.
ive been thinking..
..looking back on shit that i wrote whenever...
its funny how sometimes i lie to make it seem as though certain/most/all aspects of my life are ok.
i want to set the record straight.

-----------------------
-i really did end up clubbing one of my roommates with a vodka bottle. somehow got out of an assault charge..and i have no regrets about doing it.

-had to move out of my apartment, which i was glad to do...im now once again suffocating in the piece of shit town in which the fathers place is located

-andy and i broke up a while ago..i dont really remember when. our relationship was never that great in the first place.

-i eventually got fired. oh well. free time is nice



..thats all i can think of right now. so ill leave it at that.

toodles.

crack filling machine.

Posted on 2007.01.26 at 16:11
Current Location: my bedroom. .
Current Mood: disappointeddisappointed
Current Music: moby--machete.
every day lately..ive found myself asking the same question....whats with life?
every day lately..ive felt as though im slowly stepping backwards, away from everyone and everything..
every day...i wake up shaking..and still i try to convince myself that ill get through this.

get done with it.

every day..depth is evaporating into a muddy pool of sewage. ..and all i keep hearing about is how nothing going right, and i should do something more..be better.

better by their standards.

fuck standards.

life really does seem to go in cycles.
right now though, that cycle more closely resembles a slow downward spiral than, say, a circle.

i can see myself becomming obsessed with tiny pointless details..
judging and scrutinizing myself..the epitome of a failure.


....my thoughts come and go as they please..
i look at all i have and wonder how it came to me....undeserving.

watch your fucking back.

Posted on 2006.10.02 at 22:27
Current Mood: livid.
Current Music: nothing.
some shit went down between andy and i, at the moment i dont know where we stand. but whatever..i can deal. hes not giving me any problems.

last night andy mentioned that tim and adam want me to move out because i have cats. and this morning i wake up to find that one of the two fuckfaces i mentioned earlier (timothy the manwhore and adam the douche) had put my ficus tree outside.

at some point...either years ago or yesterday, i made the decision that i wasnt going to take shit from anyone. no matter who it is or what its about. im not taking their shit.
and this situation is not an exception to that.
i pay rent here too and its not like im throwing fucking loud ass keg parties everynight, or going through everyone elses shit and stealing their money. honestly. wtf.

andy and i are still cool as far as i know. so when he gets back tonight im going to tell him that either i go...or adam goes. his choice. either way ill probably end up abandoning my lease and trying to find someplace else to live. well see....

lately ive had this idea in my head of buying the biggest bottle of vodka i can find.....its got to be a glass bottle..not the plastic ones. and just randomly whacking my idiotic roommates as hard as i can in the back of the head with my dear gigantic glass bottle of vodka.
think what you want. i dont give a flying fuck.
im just sick of tolerating all the fucking morons in my everyday life and now ive decided that its time to do something about it.

and i dont care what

hey hey hey, like being stoned.

Posted on 2006.09.13 at 21:44
Current Mood: baking my mind.
Current Music: is in my head.
i havent updated this in a while..and that makes me feel weird.

things ive done since i last updated:
----------------------------------------
-rediscovered a feeling in me that ive tried to keep repressed, because it could become dangerous..but now im allowing myself to feel it anyways.
-made a big turn in my life and even though i dont know where im going or why, im liking where its taking me.
-stopped drinking a liter of vodka/other hard liquor a day. ive cut down to between 0-8 drinks. and yeah..i consider that an achievement
-completely blown off going to bartending school. i guess ill get around to it eventually.
-done something most would consider crazy. but im enjoying it. and nobody knows.
-almost been fired again. then all of a sudden my boss loves me to death and trusts me with anything.
-thought, dreamed, loved..and felt alive for the first time in....all my memory.
-woken up
-gotten into this bad habit of not eating. or barely eating at all.
-overdrawn on my checking account at least 3 times.
-felt worthless and idiotic because of something someone said.
-found my old school minolta xg-1. its my favorite camera so i was fucking ecstatic to have found it



things i havent done:
-----------------------
-made enough of an attempt to change my life for the better, in fear of possibilities.
-cared what people i dont give a shit about think of me.
-tried hard enough
-been completely honest

sugar plum cigarette.

Posted on 2006.07.29 at 20:15
i havent updated this thing in forever....

long story short...im still alive.

ive been depressed as hell the last couple of days...too depressed to even get drunk..and thats pretty fucking extreme.

theres something i want to do right now that i know im going to regret later...but a momentary boost in endorphins seems worth it.


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